Down on the farm

Hello everybody. Matty C here, fresh from another hugely successful Balustrade band practice. We’ve had a pretty unusual week, folks, and I thought that I’d envelope the world in a metaphorical hug and let you in on the secrets of our day.

We’ve spent the last seven days living on a farm. Honest. No, seriously, we have. Really. We’ve had a go at milking the cows (Lex is hopeless with udders), making cheese, setting land aside for serious cash, chewing straw in the corners of our mouths, fondling potatoes and wearing dungarees. We even went along to a good ole’ fashioned barn-raising. What up!

The result of our endeavors is a beautiful pastoral song which – dagnabit – has to be the best song we wrote this evening! And that’s saying something! It’s called The Harvest Song and is full to bursting with the joys of life in the country.

Luckily, during our sojourn in the country, Lex has lost most of his dandyish tendencies which he developed after spending too much time breathing the same air as that pasty-faced chap from Iddly-widdly. However, he has now become alarmingly obsessed with the Wiltshire tradition of shoving ferrets down his pants and giggling like a St Trinian’s schoolgirl. For money. If you would like to help elevate the poor fella from his horrific fate which has left it almost impossible for him to sit down, please send me a tenner and a packet of Thai Sweet Chili Walkers Sensations.

Carts out – it’s getting late and the Bath City forum can’t read itself.

Lex the Lanky Haired Dandy

The behaviour of Balustrader Lex has caused some concern this week. Having been to see Scot's indie-rockers the Idlewild on Sunday Lex turned up for practice decked out in cord slacks and brogues having failed to comb his hair for 48 hours and muttering something about being a highly strung poet and needing to be treated as such, all in a very poor Scottish accent!

With any luck this is just a phase, but for the short term Balustrade may be taking a bit of a new direction until Cart's can sort the young lad out. Apparently new tracks will be written about the struggle for West Country separatism with new track 'Yeovil go home' (which is all about Lex's new campaign to get Yeovil annexed from the United Kingdom and set up as a seperate country and then getting the UK government to set up trade emabargoes with them) and also a track about the plight of the greater pipistrel bat in the Blandford which is tentatively titled 'Bearded bastards of the night'.

With any luck this is just a phase and a strong talking too from Carts's (and if needs be Lex's mum!) will soon sort out this pseudo-adolescent strop and we will back to business as usual in the world of alt.westcountry!